25.000 English SDH DVD Subrip PAL © 11.05.2020
(¶ "The Boxer" by Simon and Garfunkel)
(sings along with radio) ¶ I am just ¶ a poor boy, though my story's seldom told
¶ I have squandered my resistance
¶ For a pocketful of mumbles ¶ such are promises
¶ All lies and jest
- (mimics echoing drum sound) - ¶ Still a man hears what he wants to hear
¶ Just a come-on from those gals ¶ on Seventh Avenue
Whoo-hoo!
¶ I do declare
¶ There were times when I was ¶ so lonesome I took some comfort there
¶ La la la la la la la
(music stops)
(banging from upstairs)
- Bonnie? - (woman) Who is it?
Donovan?
Bonnie?
Yes?
Donovan!
(footsteps running downstairs)
(Bonnie) In here.
- Donovan, is everything all right? - Yeah.
The production meeting was put off. Who's here?
- Here? - Mm. Who owns that piece-of-shit van?
Oh!
It's just a guy... going door to door, selling... pool cleaner.
So why'd he lock himself in the den?
Well, he... Oh, God.
- Remember my friend Ollie? - Ollie Olerud? Short, cretinous wanker.
Oh! Ollie's in there.
Yes.
I see.
Well, I'm glad he finally got himself a job.
I'd always picked him as some sort of deadbeat but... happy to be proved wrong.
So he's selling pool cleaner? This is the neighbourhood for that.
Just door to door, running low on chlorine.
It's quite a coincidence him dropping by and you two knowing each other so well.
Donovan, please. Let's all talk. I think...
How you doin', Donovan? How you doin', man?
G'day, Ollie. I'm great. You?
I... can't complain, man.
Excellent. Let's get right down to it, then, shall we?
We'll take a couple of vacuum hoses. We probably need a new filter. Maybe...
Wait a minute. Do we actually have a swimming pool?
OK. OK, man. Let's be reasonable about this, OK?
So you caught me porking... having relations with your old lady,
and now we're all feeling a little bit embarrassed by the whole thing.
So... Ahh!
What the hey, man? I mean, I know it's a drag and all, but these things...
Hey! Hey, hey.
Uh, we didn't actually have sex.
I was depressed... cos I'm impotent. You know?
Unable to achieve an erection?
I have been for over a year now, man. I needed someone to talk to.
Think about it, man - a year without an erection?
Leave him alone!
You should have seen this coming, you Australian piece of shit!
That's my daytime television lifetime achievement award.
Cheesy bastard!
You whore!
Ah, Christ!
OK!
All right, you want fun and games?
I'll give you fun and games. Explain this away.
(car radio) ¶ Li la-li
(Bonnie) Argh! Ollie!
That's my Jag! That's my Jag!
That's my bloody Jag!
You bitch!
Bitch! Bitch!
Bye-bye, baby!
What are you looking at?!
(laughs)
Explain this away, darling.
(laughs)
(¶ "Suspicious Minds" by Elvis Presley)
¶ We're caught in a trap
¶ I can't walk out
¶ Because I love too much, baby
¶ Why can't you see
¶ What you're doing to me
¶ When you don't believe a word I say?
¶ We can't go on together
¶ With suspicious minds
¶ And we can't build our dreams
¶ On suspicious minds
¶ So if an old friend I know
¶ Stops by to say hello
¶ Would I still see suspicion ¶ in your eyes?
¶ Here we go again
¶ Asking where I've been
¶ You can't see ¶ the tears are real I'm crying
¶ We can't go on together
¶ With suspicious minds
¶ And we can't build our dreams
¶ On suspicious minds
¶ Oh, let our love survive
¶ Or dry the tears from your eyes
¶ Let's don't let a good thing die
¶ When, honey, you know ¶ I've never lied to you
¶ We're caught in a trap
¶ I can't walk out
¶ Because I love too much, baby
- Miles Massey's office. - It's me. Any messages?
- Quite a few. Where are you? - Whitening.
- Jim says he wants a meeting today. - What else?
- Chapman says his wife is now in Tahoe. - Tell Amstedler I'll return in 20 minutes.
Get Wrigley to look up Oliphant v Oliphant, Commonwealth of Virginia,
for its relevance in the Chapman filing. She said she took the kids to Tahoe?
- That's right. - Which side of Tahoe?
If the cruise goes around the lake, she's left the state and she's in breach.
Tell Wrigley to prepare a filing to attach. Mm-hm.
Everything - residence, beach house, ski cabin, auto, stocks, bonds, dental floss.
Hm? Gonna lose you.
Uh-huh.
Tell Fred Armatrading that we have pictures of his wife with the oral surgeon.
And get a fruit and pastry basket in the conference room for my nine-thirty.
- Where are you? - Comin' at ya.
- Your nine o'clock is here. Bonnie Donaly. - Bonnie Donaly.
Mrs Donaly.
Hm.
Yes, your husband did show foresight in taking those pictures.
And, yes, absent a swimming pool,
the presence of a pool man appears to be suspicious.
But, madam, who is the real victim here? Let me suggest to you the following.
Your husband, who on a prior occasion had slapped you, beat you.
- That word is appropriate. - No...
Let me finish, please. I'm not concerned with who slapped whom first.
- Your husband who beat you repeatedly... - No...
Repeatedly, was at the time brandishing your firearm.
- His gun. - We'll get it back.
Trying, in his rage, to shoot an acquaintance, a friend of long standing.
- They never really cared for each other. - And if not for your intervention,
he might have ended this schmo's life and ruined his own.
As for the sexual indiscretion which he imagined took place,
wasn't it, in fact, he who was sleeping with the pool man?
No?
Am I going too far here? Were his sexual... No.
- I don't... - I'm not omniscient.
The point is that he acted upon an assumption which he cannot prove,
and, I take it, you deny.
- Well... - I'll take the case.
It's imperative I meet with Oliver Olerud before we proceed,
so that I can massage the kinks out of our testimony.
You think we could put all this across?
The truth is so self-evident to me,
I'm sure that I'll be able to make it equally as transparent to any jury,
should your husband take it that far.
We'll need to caucus again to draw up a picture of your husband's worth.
A map of enemy territory, so to speak. He's a television producer?
He has a soap opera, The Sands of Time. It's a silly show.
It'll be yours soon. Thank you very much.
- Oh, thank you, Mr Massey. - Yes. Bye-bye.
You have to admire him for taking those pictures.
(man) Now, Mrs Gutman, you testified that
you were your husband's sexual slave for 36 years during your marriage.
Except for two years when he was in the navy in Southeast Asia.
Before your marriage, what was your profession?
I was a hostess for Braniff Airlines.
What is your husband's profession?
He manufactures staples and industrial brad tacks. He's very successful.
How would you describe your husband's sexual proclivities?
Well, at first he was a very gentle and tender lover.
But then he became fixated on toys and machinery and devices...
I can't help it. You don't decide to become bored. It just happens.
You're just looking for trouble. It's a midlife crisis.
Look, get yourself a new car.
I have a new car. I have two new cars. I have a tab at the Mercedes dealership.
Torn the house down, twice. Rebuilt the cabin in Vail.
- Got three of those... yard people. - Gardeners.
Gardeners. Got a man who waxes my jet.
These encounters were videotaped. Sometimes there would be a gismo.
A gismo?
He had a device he called "The Intruder".
He had the engineers at the factory design it.
And then he had a prototype built out of the parts from our vacuum cleaner.
I see.
So the vacuum wasn't available for several months.
- Several months without the appliance? - Yes.
Everyone is willing to compromise.
That's the problem with the institution of marriage - it's based on compromise.
Even through its dissolution. Mrs Gutman here,
she'll score points concerning her husband's sexual politics.
We'll try to impeach. Then the entire process will find an equilibrium point,
based on the skill of the individual lawyers.
Then both parties will go home with their portion of the staple factory.
That's life. Life is compromise.
That's not life. That's death.
Struggle and challenge and ultimate destruction of your opponent - that's life.
Let me ask you something. Attila the Hun.
Ivan the Terrible. Henry the Eighth. What do they have in common?
- Middle name? - No. They didn't just win.
- They destroyed... - (judge) Mr Massey? Mr Massey?
Again I ask, have you any questions for the complainant?
I'm sorry, Your Honour. I was just consulting with an associate.
Now, Mrs Gutman, do you know a man named David Gonzalez?
Well, he's the tennis pro at the club.
The tennis pro?
Then why are your letters addressed to him "Dear David and Goliath"?
(woman shrieking and whooping)
(woman laughs)
Go, Rexie!
Go, Rexie, baby!
(woman) Whoo-hoo!
Cabin seven.
(woman) Choo-choo.
(imitates train whistle)
Choo-choo.
- Choo-choo. - (screams and laughs)
- Choo-choo. - Choo-choo.
(imitates train whistle)
Choo!
- I'm gonna nail your ass. - (screams)
Oh, yeah. I'm gonna nail your ass.
Oh, I'm gonna nail your ass. Oh, yes!
I'm gonna get ya. I got ya.
I'm gonna nail your ass.
(man) A silly misunderstanding.
Yeah, I'm gonna nail your ass. I'm gonna nail your ass. I'm gonna nail your ass!
Yep. I nailed his ass.
- I thought he'd outgrown trains. - They never grow up. They just get tubby.
Charming. An aphorist.
I've always had ample proportions but, believe you me, it's all muscle.
As hard as a rock. I'm not one of these cream-puff private dicks.
- I'm an ass nailer. - So I see.
Gym four times a week. Hour and a half, plus stretching.
Lifecycle. Lifestep. Lifecircuit. Gus Petch don't pussyfoot around.
For someone in your line of work, you don't exhibit a great deal of tact.
You want tact, call a tactician. You want a ass nailed, you call Gus Petch.
You seem to be taking it good.
I've seen 'em come in here, weep and wail like Baptists at a funeral.
Like they hired me to prove their husbands weren't fooling around.
- Don't get me wrong, Mr... - Petch. Gus Petch.
Whilst I don't find this terribly amusing, I am delighted that you found this material.
This is going to be my passport to wealth, independence... and freedom.
(chuckles)
Sound like to me you gonna nail his ass.
Honey? Honey?
(over intercom) Rex, get away from the door.
Honey? My key doesn't work. Can we talk about this?
Rex, get away from the door.
I know that you're upset, honey...
Rex, for your own safety, get away from the door.
- I don't like having to set the dogs on you. - For crying out loud. If we could... Dogs?
(dogs barking)
Yes, dogs. I wanted some security since I'll be living here alone.
Look, Marylin, can't we have a civilised discussion?
Our lawyers can.
Argh!
You've a discovery hearing for the Maxine Gopnik case.
- Discovery? - Lance Kelso called.
He read your article about palimony in same-sex partnerships.
Same-sex?
Arthur Yardumian and his attorney want to reschedule.
Arthur had to fly to Atlanta for a hearing. And your ten-thirty is here. Rex Rexroth.
Rex Rexroth?
Real estate. He's OK.
Mr Rexroth.
- Call me Rex. - Miles Massey.
Please, sit. Relax.
Consider this office your office, your haven,
your war room for the duration of the campaign.
- Thank you. - Now, sir... tell me your troubles.
Well... my wife has me between a rock and a hard place.
That's her job. You should respect that.
When I first met Marylin, we were crazy about each other.
Not emotionally, just we couldn't keep our hands off each other.
But then... then...
Time marches on. Ardour cools.
Yeah.
So, um, we had an understanding.
- Whereby? - We could see other people.
Has Mrs Rexroth taken the opportunities implicit in your arrangement?
I can only assume...
Not in court you can't. Has she retained counsel?
I don't know. She has Rottweilers.
Not a good sign. And have you, yourself, exploited your understood freedom?
There's a lady, a young lady. She lets me be myself.
Of course. And your wife is aware and/or has evidence?
- Video. - Ha!
To cut to the chase, forensically speaking, is there a prenup?
"The fault, dear Brutus, lies not in our stars but in ourselves."
Let me ask you this: what kind of a settlement do you seek?
What are for you the parameters of the possible?
Well, that's the problem. I can't afford to give her anything.
- Nothing? - I know that sounds a little rough, but...
I'm about to close a deal to develop some mini-malls. I am mortgaged to my heinie.
If this deal goes south, I am ruined. I will lose millions.
So you propose that, in spite of demonstrable infidelity on your part,
your unoffending wife should be tossed out on her ear.
Well... is that possible?
It's a challenge.
Come out to Malibu and see my new beach house tomorrow.
- I didn't know Dimitri had a beach house. - Nor me, until my lawyer found it.
Quite a paper trail. Had it in the dog's name.
Tomorrow won't work. I'm having a body wrap. Wednesday?
- Hair appointment. Afternoon? - Shrink. How's your Thursday?
Facial injections. That kills Friday and Saturday.
- Botox? - Butt fat.
- Does that really work? - You tell me.
Hello, darlings.
So, you and Rex are...
Well, as my private investigator put it: we're gonna nail his ass.
I've been trying to nail George's ass for years but he is so careful.
Are you all right, Claire?
Down the wrong pipe. So who's your lawyer?
Freddy Bender. I have an appointment this afternoon with Rex and his schnauzer.
- Who's Rex's guy? - Miles Massey.
Miles Massey? Of Massey & Myerson?
- Do you know him? - By reputation, and...
Marylin, he's no schnauzer. He got Phyllis Rumsey that cute little island of George's.
George hired him when he divorced his second.
- Muriel Rumsey. - Who's she?
Now? Night manager at McDonald's.
But, Marylin, do we have a man for you.
Thorstenson Gieselensen.
- He just separated from his third. - He's in fish.
- He is fish. - He's tuna.
I'm not seeing anyone until I've nailed Rex's ass.
But, Marylin, this man is tuna.
Sarah, one husband at a time.
I'll do the talking. You'll be tempted to chime in,
but remember that you're in an emotionally vulnerable state.
- I'm the professional. - Oh.
OK.
Freddy.
Freddy Bender, this is Rex Rexroth. And you are the lovely Marylin.
Please, Ms Rexroth. And you must be Mr Massey.
Please, Miles. Sit. Sit down.
Freddy, I was sorry to hear about the Goldberger award. Pastry?
(stifled sniggering)
We did very well.
- We did very well. - Mrs Rexroth, you're ably represented.
Freddy's just too modest to tell you he clerked for Clarence Thomas.
Pastry? Going begging.
Don't try to bait me, Miles. If you have a proposal to make, let's hear it.
Well, at this point, my client is still prepared to consider reconciliation.
Ruled out.
My client will entertain an amicable dissolution without prejudice.
- That's a fart in a stiff wind. - My client proposes a cooling-off period.
Mine feels sufficiently dispassionate.
My client asks that you not proceed pending his setting certain affairs in order.
- What's so goddamn funny? - Please, let me handle this.
All right. So much for the icebreakers. What are you after, Freddy?
My client is prepared to settle for 50 per cent of the marital assets.
Why only 50, Freddy? Why not 100?
While we're dreaming, why not 150? You familiar with Kershner?
- Kershner does not apply. - We'll see.
- Kershner? - Let me handle this.
- Kershner was in Kentucky. - Kentucky?
- Kershner was in Kentucky! - Forget Kershner. What's the bottom line?
- Primary residence, 30 per cent of assets. - What? Have you forgotten Kershner?
Freddy.
- It's a negotiation. - See you at the preliminary.
Freddy, we're all friends here.
It's a negotiation.
Uh... Freddy!
Fine. We'll eat the pastry.
I thought that went well.
(music plays)
(man) Oh, yeah. (chuckles)
(man #2) Gus, you outdid yourself.
- Let's go back to the football game. - Kiss my ass.
- It's half-time. This is some good shit. - I'm about to nail his ass.
- Go back to the Rabinowitz tape. - (phone)
Here come the good part. Look at this. She about to take off her panties.
Oh, yeah. Come on, come on, come on.
(woman) Gus? It's Miles Massey.
- Take a number. - It's about a job tonight.
- Goddammit! - Ah!
Shit, did you see that?
(maître d'hôtel) Here we are.
Ms Rexroth. I am so delighted you decided to come.
- I must admit, I was curious. - Something to start. Wine, perhaps?
- Red? - French?
- Bordeaux? - Chateau Margaux?
- '57? - '59.
- '54. - Mr Massey!
Good, sir.
Your husband had told me you were the most beautiful woman that he'd ever met.
I didn't expect the most beautiful woman I'd ever met.
"Dismiss your vows, your feigned tears, your flattery;
For where a heart is hard they make no battery."
"Whoever loved, that loved not at first sight?"
You didn't ask me here to pick me up. You could be disbarred for that.
Maybe I'm reckless.
- What was your performance about? - What did your lawyer say?
Freddy thinks you're a buffoon. He says you've been too successful.
You're bored, complacent and you're on your way down.
- You don't think so. - How do you know?
- Why are you here? - Why did you ask me?
- Can't I be curious? - About what?
- Do you ever answer questions? - Do you?
I'll have the tournedos of beef. The lady will have the same. Thank you.
- I assume you're a carnivore. - Oh, Mr Massey, you have no idea.
Miles, please. Tell me more about yourself.
All right, Miles. Let me tell you everything that you need to know.
You may think you're tough but I eat men like you for breakfast.
I've invested five years in my marriage to Rex,
and I've nailed his ass fair and square.
Now I'm going to have it stuffed, mounted, and have my lady friends throw darts at it.
Man hater, huh?
People don't go on safaris cos they hate animals.
So it's just for the hunt. With the trophy at the end.
No. Nothing so frivolous.
This divorce means money.
Money means independence. That's what I'm after.
What are you after, Miles?
I'm a lot like you - just looking for an ass to mount.
(whispers) Well, don't look at mine.
(grunts)
Yeah. Two, three. (grunts)
Oy vey.
(dogs barking)
Ha ha ha. I got ya.
See this?
Yeah?
I'll just have a salad, please. Um, baby field greens.
- What did you call me? - Uh...
No, I.. I didn't call you anything.
- You want a salad. - Do you have a green salad?
- What the fuck colour would it be? - Why are we eating here?
What's his problem?
Just bring him an iceberg lettuce and mealy tomato wedge in French dressing.
For you?
Ham sandwich on stale rye bread. Lots of mayo, easy on the ham.
- Slaw cup? - What the hell.
- Hello, Marge. - How are you, Gus?
I'm all right.
OK.
Now, I Minoxed her address book. Don't call me any more for this penny-ante shit.
- I shoot action. Me and the Ikegami, Jack. - Thank you, Gus.
- Those Rottweilers were a menace. - I told you she had dogs.
Yeah. But you didn't tell me they had a hard-on for anus africanus.
Did you see any evidence?
Any "telltale signs" of indiscretion on the part of Ms Rexroth?
What are you talking about, "telltale signs"? Look, I see a ass, I nail it.
I don't sneak around sniffing the sheets. I'm Gus Petch!
- Couldn't you be disbarred for that? - Maybe if I'd had the patty melt.
You had a guy break in and photograph her address book.
No, Wrigley. I happened to let a man know that I was interested in her address book.
That's not criminal. I also let him know I was taking her out to dinner.
That's not a crime either. No, I don't see myself as culpable in any sense.
But you could be disbarred for developing these photos of her address book.
But that doesn't really concern me.
- Right. Who are you looking for? - Tenzing Norgay.
Tenzing Norgay. That's someone she slept with.
I doubt it. He was the Sherpa that helped Edmund Hillary climb Mount Everest.
And Marylin knows him.
No, you idiot. Not the Tenzing Norgay. Her Tenzing Norgay.
I'm not sure I...
Few great accomplishments are achieved single-handedly. Most have their Norgays.
Marylin Rexroth is even now climbing her Everest. I wanna find her Norgay.
How do you determine which of the people...
- How do you spot a Norgay? - Yeah.
You start with the people with the funny names.
Family Court of the Fifth District of Los Angeles County now in session. All rise.
Have you sat before her before?
No. No, the judge sits first then we sit.
Have you sat after her before?
You mean "Have you argued before her before?"
The judge sits, the counsel argues before the judge.
So have you argued before her before?
Before her before, or before she sat before?
- Before her before. I said that. - No. You said "Before she sat before."
- Look, don't argue. - I'm not.
- We argue. - Counsel argues.
- You appear. - Judge sits.
- Then you sit. - Or stand in contempt.
- Then we argue. - Counsel argues.
- Which you've done before? - Which we've done before.
But not before her.
Rex, sit!
(soundtrack of Rexroth video footage)
Devastated. Simply devastated.
Thank you, Mrs Rexroth.
(judge) Mr Massey, any questions?
(sniffs)
"Dismiss your vows, your feigned tears, your flattery;
For where a heart is hard they make no battery." Do you know those lines?
- Objection. - Grounds?
Uh...
- Poetry recitation. - Let me rephrase.
Mrs Rexroth,
how high is that wall round your heart?
Your Honour, this is harassment. And, frankly, it's still a little... arty-farty.
- Rephrase. Have you ever been in love? - Yes, of course.
- With Rex. - And you've always loved him?
"Whoever loved, that loved not at first sight?"
So it's your sworn testimony that you have loved Rex Rexroth
since first you met?
Yes.
Thank you.
No further questions.
- (judge) Who's next, Mr Bender? - We rest.
Mr Massey?
Your Honour, I call Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy!
Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy.
Heinz, the Baron...
- Problem? - Puffy.
Tenzing Norgay.
- Mr Krauss, do you solemnly swear... - Krauss von Espy.
- Krauss von Espy, do you solemnly... - Baron Krauss von Espy.
..swear to tell the truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
- Mais bien súr. - No maybes.
Mais bien súr. "But of course." Yes, the Baron does not lie.
(judge) Have a seat, sir.
- Did you sleep with him? - (dog yaps)
- Don't be a fool. - Shush, Elsbieta. Shush shush shush.
(dog yaps)
Baron von Espy, what is your profession?
Silly man. I am a baron.
Yes, but do you not also hold a day job? A paying job? A square job?
One has to live. I am the concierge of Les Pantalons Rouges
at Bad-Gadesbourg in the canton of Uri.
And what does that job entail?
I satisfy such requests as the clientele may present.
(Miles) Towels, ice, et cetera?
We have bellmen for that. No, no, no. Such requests that, were you at home,
you would address not to your valet but to your major-domo. Shush, poochy-chow.
- I see. Do you recognise that woman? - Ah!
Chére Marylin. But of course. Look who is here.
And she was a guest of the Red... Trousers?
Oh, many time. For relaxing and making alpine recreation.
- (dog yaps) - Mm-hm.
I am curious about her visit of five years ago - January, 1998.
Can you remember any specific requests she made then?
Yes, I can.
What at that time did she tell you she required?
She said that she required...
- a husband! - (dog yaps)
Do you want some Bones, huh? Does Elsbieta want some Bones?
Has anyone any Bones?
Does anyone have any Bonz? Uh, Bonz. Dog candy.
No. They are not candies. Milk-Bones - hard crunchy bones for the teeth.
- Uh, hard... uh... - (clears throat)
We'll attend to the dog later. Now, Baron...
Where were we?
"She said that she required a husband."
"Do you want some Bones? Does Elsbieta want some Bones?"
"Has anyone any Bones? Hard crunchy..."
Right. Now, a husband - that's an unusual request.
Did she specify what kind of a husband she was looking for?
- Objection. - Grounds?
Uh... Hearsay.
This is direct testimony about the Baron's own conversation.
- I'm going to allow it. - She said she wanted a rich husband.
She wanted to know the businesses and wealthses... wealthses... Can I say this?
..wealthses of our various eligible guests.
Did she have any other specifications?
- Objection. Inflammatory. - What's good for the gander.
- Is this a legal argument? - You got to play your tape.
Mr Massey has a point there. I'm going to allow it.
Were there any other specifications?
She specificated a silly man.
- Objection! - I'm going to allow it.
She specificated a man who, though clever at making money,
would be easily duped and controlled.
- Objection. - Shut up. She's allowin' it.
She specificated a man with a wandering pee-pee.
How you say? A philanderer, whose affairs would be transparent to the world.
Objection!
Finally, a man whom she could herself brazenly cuckold,
until such time as she might choose to...
We say "faire un coup de marteau sur des fesses". You say "hammer on his fanny".
- Your Honour, objection. Irrelevant! - I'm going to allow it!
Tell us, Baron. Did you introduce her to such a man?
Sir, I am the concierge.
To whom did you introduce that calculating woman?
I introduced her... to that silly man.
Your Honour, objection!
Let the record show that the Baron has identified Rex Rexroth as the silly man!
I did it. It was I. I introduce her to that silly man.
- You son of a bitch! - Red-faced angry one.
I introduced them! Yes, I did it. It was I.
I just love trains. I love trains!
I'm not sick. You're the one who's sick.
Objection. Strangling the witness.
I'm going to allow it.
Well, I think it stinks. They left you with nothing.
Makes you wonder about the entire legal system. Like Rodney... Whatshisname.
They bought Massey's argument.
If I was with Rex only for his money, then he shouldn't have to give me any.
That makes no sense. Why else would you put in all those years?
Oh! Oohh!
Are you all right, Sarah?
- Yeah. - What is it?
Peptic ulcer. I have medication but... I can't take it before elective surgery.
- You shouldn't be living here alone. - My husbands gave me the ulcer.
But a bottle of Bromo can't love you back.
Yeah.
It's a catch-22.
I have to admit I don't like living alone. I mean, do I need 46 rooms?
- You could see people. - It's risky.
Palimony. Son of a bitch Marvin Mitchelson.
I'm telling you, honey, getting laid is financial Russian roulette.
Maybe I should just tear it all down, build a cottage.
More landscaping.
Well...
With my money, I can't afford to be fooling around.
Besides, I have you. It'll be fun - just the girls.
Well, thanks, Sarah. But I can't sleep on your couch forever.
I'm going to marry again. Nail the guy's ass good.
And this time there'll be no Puffy von Espy.
Knock knock.
Excuse me, Mr Donaly. Mr Donaly?
Mr Donaly, excuse me.
You are Donovan Donaly?
- I'm in a meeting! - Mr Donaly,
I need a name.
And, of course, we will have to litigate. Sentence, paragraph.
Naturally, the first concern for both parties is the welfare of little Wendell Junior.
Nevertheless, we do question whether the expenses for his special-ed classes
are justified given the great strides...
(secretary) Mr Massey, the senior partner would like to see you.
- Herb wants to see me? - If you have a moment.
Oh!
(old man) 14 summary judgements sought. 13 granted.
(wheezing)
18 movements to void for respondent's prejudice.
18 granted.
12 court days on the Rexroth case alone.
(wheezes)
320 billable hours paralegal services.
(wheezes)
680 billable at full attorney rate.
(wheezes)
85 lunches charged.
(laughs)
(gasps)
- (gasps) - Counsellor...
you are the engine that drives this firm.
(secretary) Mr Massey?
Please, no calls. I'm feeling a little fragile.
I felt certain you'd want to know. Marylin Rexroth wants to see you.
Marylin? Uh, when did she...
She's here now.
Is she armed? Give me a minute.
(gargling)
Marylin...
how nice of you to...
Marylin...
shame on you.
Marylin...
what a lovely surprise.
Marylin, what a plea...
- Who the hell are you? - Hello, Miles. So nice of you to see us.
May I introduce Howard D Doyle, of Doyle Oil?
I'm pleased to meet ya. Marylin here says you're the best. Says you're aces.
Well, thank you, Mr...
Uh, any relation to John D Doyle, of Doyle Oil?
You mean Grandpa John. My poppa's John D, too. "The Deuce" we called him.
The rebel of the family. But they knocked off that "John D" routine with yours truly.
Grandpa nearly had a stroke. He did have one, but during the labour activity of '52.
The government stepped in. They called it "mediation".
He called it incipient communism. That's when he had his stroke.
The left side of his body was useless as tits on a boar hog. He lingered in a...
That is fascinating. What say we have a seat?
Seat? Marylin's had me running up and down Rodeo Drive all day long.
Hit-and-run shopping, forced-march kinda thing, and my dogs are barking.
- We started out at this little ole place... - It's been quite a day.
Anyway, I know you're busy and charge by the hour, so I'll get straight to the point.
Howard D and I are planning to marry.
Well...
- I suppose congratulations are in order. - (Howard) Thank you.
The urge to wedlock and form a lasting monogamous bond, it's nearly universal.
It might interest you, being in a related business,
even your indigenous Americans, I believe your Cree...
Howard and I are here because I have learned through bitter experience
that when it comes to matrimony and law you are the very best.
And, as you are well aware, my previous marriage ended in
an unjustified stain upon my reputation.
My motives were impugned. I was slandered in court.
I was painted a harlot.
- No, honey, you ain't no harlot. - Oh, yes, honey.
So it's my desire to remove any trace of suspicion
from the mind of my dear Howard Doyle.
- Oh, honey, come on. - I wish to make a prenuptial agreement.
And I'm dead set against it. Just anti the whole deal.
Howard's lawyers prefer it. I insist upon it.
Oh, damn lawyers. No offence to present company.
Is it my understanding that the Massey prenup has never been penetrated?
Correct. Not to blow my own horn, but they devote a semester to it at Harvard.
They got a hell of a school up there. We donated that Doyle Building.
Mm-hm.
I, myself, went to Texas A and M. I'm an Aggie.
- Business? - Tight end.
I had some success against the split-T defence. When they line up symmetrical,
it allows me to buttonhook and do a down-and-in and up-and-out.
If your tight ends don't really run a post.
- Could I interrupt for second? - Yeah.
I wanna make sure that you both understand what it is you're asking.
The Massey prenup provides that should the marriage dissolve, for any reason,
both parties will leave it with what they brought in and earned during.
No one can profit from the marriage.
The prenup protects the wealthier party.
Without it that party is exposed, a sitting duck.
- Not a hell of a lot of romance in that. - No, sir, there is not. No romance.
More to the point, no wriggle room.
So... are we sure that this is what we want?
Absolutely.
It's my gift to Howard, for his peace of mind.
Whether or not he's worried about it at this moment.
Oh, honey pie, do I look worried?
Excuse me, Mr Doyle. Could I just borrow your charming fiancée for a moment?
OK.
- You gonna leave a deposit? - (they all laugh)
What are you up to?
Something you won't understand, Miles. Howard and I are very much in love.
I have to warn you, the Massey prenup has never been penetrated.
You sign the prenup, you can't get his money.
Thanks for the professional help.
Marylin, think of me for a moment not as an attorney but as a friend.
Does that mean you won't be charging us for the hour?
Dump him. You can't nail his ass.
Is that all?
No, that's not all.
I could have you disbarred for that.
It was worth it.
A romantic divorce attorney.
You fascinate me.
I'll get right on it. I'll whip something up.
All right. Thank you.
- How's Lionel? - He's fine.
He asked me to deliver the keynote address at this year's Vegas convention.
- That's quite an honour. - I suppose.
- On top of a great victory. - What was that?
What was that? Um...
Rex Rexroth kept everything. You win, no compromise. Isn't that what you wanted?
Oh, good God, Miles. What are you looking for?
I don't know.
OK. I won.
What then?
How many cases has Herb Myerson won?
More than anybody. He's a legend.
And look at him. He's 87, the first one into the office in the morning, no home life.
- But he has a colostomy bag. - She can't really love this dope, can she?
Who? Uh, who loves who?
Marylin Rexroth. She signed a prenup for an oil millionaire.
A Massey prenup?
Yeah.
Well, then, she is not after his money.
Only love is in mind if the Massey is signed.
(¶ "April Come She Will")
¶ April, come she will
¶ When streams are ripe ¶ and swelled with rain
¶ May, she will stay
¶ Resting in my arms again
What the hell's wrong with you? ¶ April, come she will
Thank you for coming to this celebration of the love between Marylin and Howard.
In today's cynical world
it's so hard to take that great leap of faith aboard the ship of love and caring.
But today Marylin and Howard are taking that leap and telling us, their friends,
that they do believe, that they do have faith, that they do love.
Do you, Howard Drexler Doyle,
take Marylin to be your shipmate on this journey through life?
Through gale and doldrum, seas choppy, wild and calm?
Yes, I do, Father Scott.
And do you, Marylin Rexroth, take Howard
to be your shipmate and companion to ports of every clime,
be it in first class or steerage?
I do.
Then, by the power vested in me by the State of California
and as captain of the good ship Amore Veritas,
I now pronounce you man and wife.
(¶ "April Come She Will")
What do you think?
- What are they? Ladles? - Berry spoons.
- Spoons. - Berry spoons. Everybody has spoons.
- Nobody needs berry spoons. - Everybody eats berries.
- What are you? Pollyanna? - (Howard) Hey, everybody!
Were they in a Martha Stewart catalogue next to the stadium-seat ass warmers?
How many cockamamie possessions do we have to amass...
Miles, why so angry?
It's not common practice for the groom to give his bride a gift on their wedding day.
But ever since I met Marylin there, I can't seem to quit giving her things.
And I don't wanna stop, cos it feels so darn good!
Chow Sing, bring that barbecue sauce over here, little buddy. There you go.
Put that thing on my neck now.
Now, honey, it's like the padre said: I want love and trust between us.
Love and trust and not a thing else.
And this here deed that I'm fixing to perform...
Well, honey, let me just...
You see this?
(mumbled) This is for you, darlin'.
This here is for you.
This here is for you, baby. Every last little speck of it.
I love you. I mean, I love you like a son of a bitch!
I trust you. This here is for you, baby.
- Brilliant. - Baby, this is for you.
- What is it? - (Howard) I really love you.
It's the prenup.
I love her! I trust her!
- Ladies and gentlemen, I trust her. - It's the prenup.
Brilliant!
Ladies, if you'll excuse us.
We have to talk.
I would like to offer my congratulations. It was a beautiful gesture of Howard's.
Well, Howard is a beautiful person. A diamond in the rough.
And I have a feeling that, some day soon,
you'll be taking that diamond and leaving the rough.
In a month or so, once I've established that I've tried to make the marriage work.
May I offer my services?
Oh, thanks. But no.
No, I'm retaining Freddy Bender. He was awfully blue after my last divorce.
I admire your loyalty.
To lawyers anyway. Without the prenup, it's something even Freddy could manage.
But how did you get Howard to do it? It felt like it was his idea.
Surely you've addressed enough juries to appreciate the power of suggestion.
Hm.
(singing in the distance)
Look, now that the marriage is winding down, have dinner with me.
No.
No, nothing doing until the ink is dry on the settlement.
Oh, this'll be no settlement.
If I know Marylin Rexroth, this will be nothing short of a complete and total...
annihilation.
- You're gonna win. - Excuse me?
I can always tell, going to Vegas, who's gonna win.
Well, thanks, but I'm going on business.
I always win.
You know why I hate this town?
People get to Las Vegas and suddenly the rules of the moral universe don't apply.
God is dead. All things are possible. I saw an ad in the paper:
"No-fault divorce. Two-week divorce without a lawyer."
Made me sick to my stomach. No-fault divorce!
Good God! Talk about your oxymoron. What's the world coming to?
- One man can only do so much. - One man...
- What are you talking about? Freddy. - I had lunch with Freddy yesterday.
He said that Marylin Rexroth-Doyle is now richer than Croesus.
Ah, yes, but is she richer than Mrs Croesus?
She could buy and sell you ten times over.
- My God, is that her? - Mm.
Freddy said she was flying in with him. Celebrating, I guess.
I'm fascinated by that creature. Richer than me? She deserves every penny.
And now she's single again.
- Excuse me. - You should stay away from her, Miles.
Recite your keynote address. Take a cold shower!
- You're looking well, Marylin. - Hello, Miles.
Obscene wealth becomes you.
- I should have known you'd be here. - Be here? I'm the keynote speaker.
- How nice for you. - "Nailing Your Spouse's Assets."
- Excuse me? - My speech.
Oh.
- I'm sure you'll bring the house down. - It's an easy crowd.
At this point, I'd think you're probably the only person that I can't teach anything to.
- Really? - Mm.
Correct me, but since by now the ink must be dry, I believe I have the right to collect.
On?
You promised to have dinner with me once you were free.
I said I wouldn't whilst I wasn't, which implies no promise once I am.
Noted. Let me rephrase.
I would be delighted, honoured, really, if you'd...
(gasps)
Howard!
Howard.
- You named him after your ex. - I'm sentimental.
Well, I'm free this evening, so I suppose a little dinner would do no harm.
The Veuve Clicquot Ponsardin, 1990, sir.
Yes. Thank you. I'll take care of it.
Marylin, this is a moment to savour.
Yes, we were adversaries, but we were also professionals.
So let us raise a glass... to friendship.
To victory.
So... how does it feel?
- Sorry? - Victory. Independence.
Oh. Uh...
- Well, frankly, Miles... - Not everything you'd hoped for.
I know the feeling.
Independence. A two-edged sword.
My friend - my best friend - Sarah Sorkin?
Sarah Battista-O'Flanagan-Sorkin?
The O'Flanagan settlement?
- Ah. - Hm.
Oh.
Anyway, three fine settlements, more money than she could hope to spend.
- Yes. - Her vaunted independence.
Don't tell me. Sits around, afraid to see people or put her portfolio into play.
And only a peptic ulcer to keep her warm at night.
Yes.
There's a certain point when you've achieved your goals...
You realise that you're still not satisfied.
Yes.
We should order.
You know, I'm not really hungry.
Neither am I.
Shh.
(thunderclap)
1800 billable hours.
1221 motions to void.
564 summary judgements.
129,999 lunches charged.
(phone rings)
- Hello? - Miles?
- Hello. Marylin? - Sarah Sorkin just died!
Marylin!
Her ulcer.
Perforated.
- Infection. - Yes.
Miles?
Yes, Marylin?
She was alone.
She'd been dead for two days before her Pilates instructor found her.
Marylin, listen to me.
No arguments. I'll have Wrigley meet us at the Wee Kirk o' the Heather.
Wrigley!
The vows are Arapaho, the music is Simon and Garfunkel,
and this is the Massey prenup.
- Are you the two getting married? - Mr MacKinnon is officiating. Sorry.
Pen?
Marylin,
you're welcome to examine this. This is the Massey prenup.
As you know, it's ironclad.
We tried to reach Freddy Bender for you. We couldn't find him.
Are you two here to get married or to bullshit?
So you can't hope to benefit from the marriage?
Not in any way.
And my wealth is completely, completely protected?
As if a lead veil had been drawn across it.
- Do you still want to marry me? - More than ever.
Are you rentin' kilts?
(¶ Mendelssohn's "Wedding March" played on organ)
- (record scratches off) - Do you, Miles Longfellow Massey,
of Massey, Myerson, Sloan and Gurolnick, LLP,
take Marylin Hamilton-Rexroth-Doyle to be your lawful wedded wife...
I do. Yes, I do. I do.
Let me finish.
Jesus, have you never been married before?
To have and to hold, to love and to cherish, till death do ye part?
I do.
And do you, Marylin Hamilton-Rexroth-Doyle,
take Miles Longfellow Massey to be your lawful wedded husband?
To have and to hold, to love and to cherish, till death do ye part?
- I do. - I now pronounce ye man and wife.
(¶ intro to "Bridge Over Troubled Water" played gently on organ)
(¶ "Bridge Over Troubled Water" played loudly on bagpipes)
I'll take care of you later.
No, no, no, no, no.
This is all wrong.
Is it the kilt?
Do you love me?
More than anything.
- Can I trust you? - Yes, you can trust me.
- Darling, you're exposed. - A sitting duck.
I declare the Twelfth Congress of
the National Organisation of Matrimonial Attorneys Nationwide open.
As our first business, it is a privilege to call to the podium our keynote speaker,
from the Los Angeles firm of Massey, Myerson, Sloan and Gurolnick,
a man whose name is synonymous with bitter disputes and big awards,
Miles Massey.
Thank you, Branco.
(clears throat)
In the world of...
In the world of matrimonial law there are...
In the world of matrimonial law there are multiple tactics...
Friends...
I stand before you a very different Miles Massey
than the one that addressed you last year
on disposition of marital assets following murder/suicide.
I wish to talk to you today not about technical matters of law.
I wish to talk to you about something more important.
I wish to talk to you from the heart.
Because today...
for the first time in my life, I stand before you... naked.
Vulnerable.
And in love.
Love.
It's a word we matrimonial lawyers avoid. Funny, isn't it?
We're frightened of this emotion which is, in a sense, the seed of our livelihood.
Well, today Miles Massey is here to tell you that... love need cause us no fear.
Love need cause us no shame.
Love is...
good.
(murmuring)
- Love is good. - (anxious murmuring)
I am, of course, aware that these remarks will be received here with cynicism.
Cynicism, that cloak that advertises our indifference and hides all human feeling.
I'm telling you that that cynicism which we think protects us, in fact destroys.
Destroys love, destroys our clients, and ultimately destroys ourselves.
Colleagues, when our clients come to us, confused and angry and hurting
because their flame of love is guttering and threatens to die,
do we seek to extinguish that flame,
so that we can sift through the wreckage for our paltry reward?
Or do we fan this precious flame, this most precious flame,
back into loving, roaring life?
Do we counsel fear or trust?
Do we seek to destroy or build?
Do we meet our clients' problems with cynicism...
or with love?
The choice is, of course, each of ours.
For my part, I have made the leap of love and there is no going back.
This is the last time that I will address you as the president of NOMAN.
- Or as a member. - (murmuring)
I intend to devote myself to pro bono work in East Los Angeles,
or one of those other...
God bless you all.
(loud applause and cheering)
I love you, man.
I'll be relinquishing my partnership in Massey Myerson.
If you care to join me in my new endeavour, I'd be delighted.
I can't offer the same financial remuneration you're accustomed to,
but the work will serve as its own reward. Barkeep, two of your finest Scotches.
- That's the... - Propose a toast.
Barkeep!
- That was Donovan Donaly's soap. - It'll be a junior position.
Miles, that's, uh...
- It'll be a small operation. A boutique. - Uh, uh...
Uh...
- ..my leadership skills should... - Howard.
It's Howard.
He's not an oil tycoon. An actor.
Doctor, this is highly unusual.
So Marylin married a soap actor,
so she's... she's.... poor.
Get yourself some clean scrubs and have them prepare the OR.
- Thank God you have the prenup. - I have no prenup.
- You have no prenup. - I have no prenup.
(distorted) You have no prenup.
Aaaaaagh!
Thanks.
OK.
Marylin?
Oh, hello, Miles.
- Going back to LA? - Yes.
It's only fair to warn you that, after a decent interval,
I intend to have Freddy seek an injunction
forbidding you to approach within 500 feet of my house.
- You mean my house. - I believe it will be part of the settlement.
Marylin,
didn't last night mean anything to you?
Oh, about as much as it will mean to you - half of your net worth.
Oh, Miles, you'll always be my favourite husband,
but no more sentiment, darling.
I really have to be going.
- (whispers) The dog's rented. - (dog barks)
- You didn't win. - Excuse me?
I can always tell, coming back from Vegas, who didn't win.
You're right.
(woman) But...
you're going through with it.
Yes.
I just felt so sorry for him for a minute there.
At the preliminary hearing he just looked so beaten.
- He was beaten, fair and square. - I know, but...
Ah, their pathetic look.
It's what they all fall back on when they don't have a prenup.
Just stay strong until the divorce is final.
Relax and enjoy your pool.
- Do you think he's eating enough? - Marylin!
This woman has humbled...
(wheezes)
shamed and disgraced the entire firm.
- Yes, Herb. - Counsellor, this firm deals in power.
(wheezes)
This firm deals in perception.
(wheezes)
This firm cannot prosper nor long endure if it is perceived to be...
dancing to the music of a hurdy-gurdy.
(wheezes)
It's just...
Herb, for the first time in my career... I don't know what to do.
I'm a patsy. I'm a sitting duck.
- I'm lost. - Lost?!
I'll tell you what you can do.
You can act like a man.
Let me tell you something, smart guy. You thought you had it all figured out.
Trust. Marriage.
All your goddamn love, love, love!
Now you listen to me. I'm gonna talk to you about the goddamn law.
We serve the law. We honour the law!
And sometimes, Counsellor, we obey the law.
But, Counsellor...
(wheezes)
this is not one of those times.
(wheezes)
Are you... Wheezy Joe?
Which of yous is Smith?
Well, uh, we're here representing Mr Smith on a matter of some delicacy.
- Who's the pigeon? - The what?
- Who you want me to kill. - Yes. We would like...
Mr Smith, uh, would, uh, like you to neutralise,
terminate,
render into a state of... so that she isn't so much, uh...
- Breathing. - Yes.
Uh, a business associate by the name of Marylin Rexroth-Doyle-Massey.
Smith-Massey.
Is that one person?
Some photos here... of Ms Rexroth.
And that's the address that she's staying at.
That is Mr Smith's address. Uh, Massey's. Smith.
It's Mr Smith's address, although Mr Smith is not involved.
Because of a legal matter we need this to happen within a time frame.
- On an expedited basis. - You're in a rush.
- We're not in a rush. - Mr Smith is.
She-she-she...
She won't suffer, will she?
Not unless you pay extra.
(train whistle)
¶ I've been working on the railroad
(women) ¶ All the livelong day
¶ I've been working on the railroad
¶ Just to pass the time away
¶ Can't you hear the whistle blowing?
¶ Rise up early in the morn...
(grunts)
What's the matter, Rexie?
(phone)
Hello?
Yes, he's here. One moment, please.
Miles...
it's for you.
Hello?
Yes.
What?
I see.
- My God. - What?
That was Marvin Untermeyer. He was Rex Rexroth's personal attorney.
Yes? What do you mean, he was?
Rex had a massive coronary in the middle of a business meeting.
He's dead.
I'm very sorry to hear that, but you two weren't close, were you?
Marvin said that Rex's will was four years old, never redrafted it.
- He was stinking rich. - Yes?
Everything goes to Marylin.
Aaaaaagh!
She's not poor. She's richer than you.
She is exposed. No prenup, she's a sitting duck.
She's a sitting duck. Can't kill her. No need.
It would be pointless, she's exposed.
Why kill the woman you love when she's rich?
She's rich. And I love her. Don't need to kill her.
- Ah. - Ah!
(machine) You've reached Wheezy Joe. What do you want?
It's Miles Massey... Mr Smith,
calling to say, on behalf of myself, that it is a no-go concerning Marylin.
I am speaking with no knowledge. This is what Mr Smith wants. This is what I want.
I am Mr Smith.
Thank you.
- That was good. - Think I'm protected?
- I... You... - Am I protected?
- I think it would hold up. - Marylin.
Yes. Marylin.
- What do we do? What if he's there? - Yes. Oh!
- If he's on his way there... - Oh, no. Marylin!
Get her out and buy some time.
Buy some time.
(phone rings)
Hello?
You must leave the house immediately. It's imperative that you leave.
- Hello, Miles. - Hello.
Pending final settlement, you know that I'm entitled...
No. You don't understand!
- It's an emergency. Yes. - What is it?
I forgot that I left the gas main on, which leaks.
- That sounds dangerous. - It's a deadly, odourless, colourless,
liquidless gas that...
attacks the central nervous system and causes diarrhoea and facial tics.
- OK. All right. Thanks for calling, Miles. - OK. Bye-bye.
I think she bought it.
So... tell me...
- who sent you? - (dogs growl)
Mr Smith.
Is this Mr Smith?
No.
That's his lawyer.
Whatever they're paying you... I'll double.
- What now? - Wait for Wheezy Joe. Say it's a no-go.
Careful. Rottweilers.
(whispers) Looks like she's gone. She bought it.
- Good stuff. There's no one here. - Except for the Rottweilers.
Sure. Rottweilers.
Go that way.
(door creaks)
Wheezy Joe?
(they scream)
Wheezy Joe. Thank God you're in time.
You're not in time. We're in time. Thank God we're in time.
Look, it's a no-go. You get it?
No one need be the wiser, so you could just go on home. Goodbye.
Thank you so much.
Hear that? OK? No, no. No, no. No, no.
No-go. No contract, it's off. It's...
- Will you explain to this lunkhead? - No-go.
We'll settle your contract later. You're fired. Walk away.
- Golden parachute. - Don't let the screen door hit you.
Here's what happened, Mr Carnera...
Wait, wait, wait.
(they all scream)
(wheezes)
(hiss)
(gunshot)
Wheezy, sto...
Told him it was no-go.
- Gentlemen. - (Wrigley) Freddy.
- Hello, Marylin. - Hello, Miles.
- This is where we first met. Remember? - Of course I remember.
It's hard to believe that when you walk out that door, you walk out of my life forever.
- It's not something I wanted either. - But, then, I guess...
something inside of me died when I realised that you'd hired a goon to kill me.
- Wait. You hired him to kill me. - No, both of you wait.
- Nobody hired anyone to kill anyone. - Hear! hear!
Apparently, a burglar broke into your house...
- Miles's house. - Whatever.
A burglar broke in intending to loot the place, repented,
became despondent over his lifestyle and shot himself.
Where does that leave you and me?
We've outlined a settlement. I think it's very generous.
My client is prepared to consider a reconciliation.
- But how could I trust you after all this? - (Freddy) That's right.
You wounded me first, Marylin.
I'm not proud of what I've done, but, God knows, I did trust you once.
If you could just... just give us another chance.
If you'll pardon me here, but I think my client is well beyond the point of...
How could I ever trust you again? I mean, really trust you, Miles?
Marylin,
there is nothing in the Massey prenup that says it can't be executed after a wedding.
If this indeed is a Massey prenup, and a cursory examination does support that...
- Ah! - (weeps)
My God, Marylin! You're exposed.
Marylin.
Counsellor!
Freddy! Freddy!
Come on, Freddy. No fair! Freddy!
- Did you hear something? - Only the patter of little lawyers' feet.
Where'd you find Howard?
The actor?
From a TV producer. I think you know him.
I gave him an idea for a new show so he made me a partner.
- I guess that means I'm a partner. - I guess it does.
And what exactly is it we're partners in?
(man) Who gets what and who gets who?
You'll find out on "America's Funniest Divorce Videos".
Here's the star of our show, Gus Petch.
(cheering and applause)
You goddamn right, folks. I'm Gus Petch, and we got a great show for ya.
We gonna make you laugh, we gonna make you cry,
but most of all, we're gonna nail your...
Ass! Nail your ass!
Nail your ass!
(wild cheering)
(audience chant) Gus! Gus! Gus! Gus!
(¶ "The Glory of Love" by Big Bill Broonzy)
¶ Give a little ¶ Take a little
¶ Let your poor heart beat, babe, a little
¶ But, baby, that's the glory of love
¶ Cry a little ¶ Sigh a little
¶ Let the clouds roll by, babe, a little
¶ But, baby, that's the glory of love
¶ Long as there's just the two of us
¶ We have the world and its charms
¶ Long as there's just the two of us
¶ To hold each other's arms
¶ Baby, now, win just a little ¶ Lose a little
¶ Sometimes have the blues, babe, a little
¶ But, baby, that's the glory of love
¶ Long as there's just the two of us
¶ We have the world and its charms
¶ Long as there's just the two of us
¶ To hold each other's arms
¶ Baby, now, win just a little ¶ Lose a little
¶ Sometimes have the blues, babe, a little
¶ But, baby
¶ That's the glory of love
(¶ "The Boxer" by Colin Linden)
¶ I am just a poor boy, ¶ though my story's seldom told
¶ I have squandered my resistance
¶ For a pocketful of mumbles ¶ such are promises
¶ All lies and jest
¶ Still, a man hears what he wants to hear ¶ and disregards the rest
¶ When I left my home and my family ¶ I was no more than a boy
¶ In the company of strangers
¶ In the quiet of a railway station, ¶ running scared
¶ Laying low, seeking out the poorer ¶ quarters where the ragged people go
¶ Searching for the places ¶ only they would know
¶ Li la-li
¶ Li la-li li li la-li
¶ Li la-li
¶ Li la-li li li la-li ¶ La la la-li
¶ Asking only workmen's wages ¶ I go looking for a job
¶ But I get no offers
¶ Just a come-on from ¶ the whores on Seventh Avenue
¶ I do declare
¶ There were times when I was ¶ so lonesome I took some comfort there
¶ Li la-li
¶ Li la-li li li la-li
¶ Li la-li
¶ Li la-li li li la-li ¶ La la la-li